A story written by akOltOp
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Prologue:
Apologies to anyone that might see this as annoying. I’m just airing my experience about an interesting topic…winkie, and please bear with the loads of vernacular entailed in this piece…So enjoy
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EPISODE 1: MAMA ULAI AND HER PEOPLE
#deep_thought… telling a story is quite difficult especially this kind. The trouble of where to start and where to end, anyways that’s none of what you wanna read…lolll, sorry. Now I’ll start, winks.
Ibadan has always been a great city and will always be. I enjoyed my secondary education there which was filled with Onifade [from: I think me a F**king priest] and others. Not that I am omo esu or whatever but churches as it were had been always fun and frustrating.
Had [CAC Ulai] ourselves this pastor, not that I remember his name though…I sha know he’s ebira or something like it. He’s got a large family, the wife refused to stop giving birth, it can be irritating at times especially if you wanna buy cassava pancake [the burnt cake left after making foo foo] from her; as there are these small creatures crawling and drooling around |nyama|. Before I knew whatsup, he’s been relieved of his pastoral job ooo, ahn an, just like that… yes ooo, “they” said mama ulai [founder of the church] caught him using local charms…eeyah.
New boy who just came from Akure was drafted into the choir, without any interview as such…so easy. Anyways, been a chorister is sweet especially when it’s not for the voice,
Na sha to dey disturb the congregation with our funny renditions especially during anniversaries. I remember a particular anniversary as such, after all the noise making, we sha stopped. Mama brought up one of the guest ministers.
He looked funny, but it’s not like I would make fun of an old man just yet. We sha all kept mum waiting for the holy words. He said a lot, out of which was that he dreamt of being the chosen man from God to lead the church henceforth. It was all cool, at least i was feeling him till the talk of him and the hole on Jesus’ body. That man ehn, he said “Ni gbogbo ara jesu, ko si ibi kan ti enikenikeni le gbamu ooo, opo eniyan loti gbiyanju, sugbon paabo nigbogbo re nbo si, emi gbamu ooo, iwo kekeere kan nbe nibi owo re, mo gbamu nibe”. I was like ahn an…so everybody before him had been blinded and couldn’t see that hole…and pastors don’t lie ooo.
Pastor Joel sha started his tenure, I enjoyed his tenure |a little above just sha|, with that his funny dance style, you know like sliding on a surface like KSA, only that he’ll close his eyes, raise his heads, and then start moving his fingers as though to warn you the end is near |hehehe|. Then there was his stories…ah that man, according to him ooo, he was once a pal of the late Orlando, they drank together, that he can drink a drum of alcohol, he travelled on motorbike from his hometown |only God knows where| to Jos. Wetin concern guys, we sha dey listen all the same.
It would have been all conquering and interesting, if not for that her wife, she can kill persin will only one look…and she will now be forming kind when the parents are around, hypocrite ayeraye. Pastor Joel tried ooo, he taught us different songs from the CAC hymn book, just that his daughter dupe always complained that he was humming all of it wrongly, the funny part is where he’ll give the comment “iya re ni ko morin nko” |lol|.
Of all things, Pastor Joel is hardworking and I respect him for that. Which kind of work can’t he do, he was a carpenter, a bricklayer, a plumber, electrician, in fact everything, good husband that man.
Pastor Omokunnu nitie, he’ll be playing war games and listening to “Orin aye” as they call it. There was a time like that me and my cousin collected his phone hoping to pass time with boring games and stuffs, he was like; I know what you like, then he started playing faze “kolomental”, before hin go play saint Janet join, we stop am play game jeje. He can lie…he had a book that he wrote all the ladies he’s slept with, he once brought home a lady that had tail, everything you can think of, he’s done…if he placed his head on a barren woman’s thighs, she’ll bore twins…ahn an, iwo nikan!!!
Yeah, there’s this third pastor, can’t even remember his name when na only bad news hin dey always see tell. Every Sunday after praise and worship, intercessory prayer lasan ooo…he’ll start “eyin woyin, e o more ooo, bi mo se nbo laaro yii, ni mori iya yii, aso o ba omoye re mo, ihoho lo wo, omo e nikan loku ninu accident idi-ayunre”. The only time I enjoyed was when he told the story behind his bent mouth…|hehehe|, according to him ni ooo, ehn en; he was looking out the window of a car while travelling, suddenly from nowhere, another bus just brushed his mouth…lolll. I was happy inside, why motor no go brush hin mouth, na bad tin hin kuku dey see take am talk. My joy was at the peak when he was later transferred to podo, new garage [our new branch], I can only shake head for what’s in store for those gu
By SS3, the chosen one [pastor Joel] meant to lead our church with shawl as within mama’s vision |lol| was also relieved, we no kuku know the reason behind it. They sha brought a new pastor like that, Akanbi, mama was like she and him started the church together and that now she’s going back to the “orisun”.
Thank God he was the last before I came to Akure. Thinking maybe the population of Ibadan is the reason for all these kind of pastors. Akure on hin own sef na baba, did anyone beat pastor Omokunnu in storytelling?
We’ll get to know. |lol|
One would have thought of me to be rigid now |i thought of it myself|, I mean me that have seen IB’s pastors could surely overlook AK city’s pastors. Moved around a lot of churches in Akure with each bearing its unique feature.
The first of these churches was Baba ona ara’s. I wouldn’t have been curious about this man if not for the story a neighbor told me about him. According to Emmanuel [an elder brother], ona ara had a vision to all the landlords on the street, an ominous vision he had, that they should all converge at his church and pray for God to avert the problem. What was this problem? It all started when the dogs unceasingly barked at 2am for about a week or so, and as the only church around the street, the landlords went to ona ara. The conclusion was that they had the powerful prayer |smiles|, in which ona ara professed that “moti te iku mole” [took control over death]. The landlords were happy, their happiness was however short-lived as they all start falling dead the preceding days. Ona ara had no say, he instead went into hiding so not to be faulted by these folks.
I didn’t think much of ona ara though, who knows what those landlord must have done sef after the prayer, what I sha know is that he saw the vision, he at least tried nah.
After a while, I moved to a new church, pastor abubakar’s church. Something about that man, he at times scare me, from what I heard, he was once in military, he walks as though he is invincible. Not much to laugh about, more so I’m growing so |winks|. All would have been okay until a particular day, of course some guys dey always use the man’s dressing laugh, but on this particular day, he told a story.
This story was that that he had in a dream. In his dream; he saw himself crossing roads at midnight |wetin hin dey find about gan sef|, after sometimes on the road, he saw this long shadow casted on the road ahead by this terrifying big tree. He was afraid but still had to go on, the road was dark, he kept walking, and suddenly a hand gripped his leg |scared|, he wanted to move forward but couldn’t, so he grasped the hand, he started twisting the hand but the hand wouldn’t stop its grip, ahn an, the whole church was like why!, he said the hand had no bone [nawa ooo].
He was infuriated that he grasped the head of the hand’s owner, he started twisting again [na kuku hin hobby], but all to no avail, everybody was sha still keen on a new reason till these guys started laughing and saying “nitori ko leegun”. I swear I was already being pressed of laughter, then the man answered “beeni, ori re ko see, nitori pe ko leegun”, me laf nitemi ooo; abi iru owner of hand wo leleyi, he no kuku send us, he sha started twisting the badman’s whole body, nothing happened cos the man |madman| had no bone [olodo oshi…lolll].
Then he woke, I was like ahn an, okay if the badman had no bone, it must be like a chewing gum attached to one’s butt and sticking it a desk, while bother twisting all of its owner’s body when you can just run and the hand that had no bone can be cut off from its origin, then it came to me; this pastor na alainise [lol] abi if he get work why hin no run or better still wake, shey na by force to continue the dream to the end ni |baffled|.
Some months later, segun’s mom [a guy from the laffing crew] died, then a witch confessed in the church, people sha started dying here and there, before the hand from hin dream go catch me too, we moved to another church ooo |hehehe|.
We sha no go sit down for house on Sunday, so we moved to this new church, oh boy, the name long ehn, like all these nonsense Yoruba movie name wey no dey sweet; prayer fellowship bible ministry and some oda tins join. This church funny die, na dem go get week of power, after a revival of great turn up, trust them to have a new programme the following week, na that time God will reveal 1 bad thing to them [aseju won ti poju].
They won’t allow persin rest, na every time virgin go dey read bible verse inside water |lolll|. I was once called to read inside holy water |hahaha|, no b their fault na; shebi na bcos I look gentle, I no fit refuse na, I sha read it buh for my mind I know the stuff no fit work cos the foundation na rum |hehehe|. People were like the founder has gone abroad to expand the ministry beyond Nigeria, waow; that’s wonderful until the story that rubbished it, some other faction said he no dey any abroad Kankan, he dey lag jeje wey hin dey chill, say hin run comot from hin winch wife who happens to be the mummy G.O. ooo. Shebi person go sha find solace in times of trouble, mine was in the youth pastor, cool man, dem sha finish him send am away, na all these die and fire pastor con remain.
All these while i kept hoping and praying for these vicious cycle to end. Abi when will all these clowns and gangsters stop fiddling persin with nonsense. I sought to youth fellowship that maybe at least it’ll be better ooo, na d same tin jor, dem talk say heaven no b place, that it’s a state of mind |oorh|, before dem go twist me like baba abubakar, I no go there again nitemi.
The hope still lingers ooo, maybe perhaps with time, I’ll find a church that combines holiness and all the nice stuff. Did i? *** |winks|
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